


if i go, i'm going (and i will stay if you dare)

by americium_amicum



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, It's a road trip, and they're exes, hint of chaeyu - Freeform, hint of namo, jk lmao a lot could go wrong if u have as much baggage as they do, not rly angsty tho?, not sure what u can call this ending, they rly love each other a lot, what could go wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 10:08:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21269291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americium_amicum/pseuds/americium_amicum
Summary: it's a road trip. kind of. it's mostly an excuse for jeongyeon to go to a music festival. and to hang out with nayeon. they have a whole lot of history and little to no sense of direction, but they might just make it.or the one where nayeon and jeongyeon are exes, jeongyeon is lowkey obsessed with finding patterns and sticking to rules, and they finally deal with their unspoken leftover feelings





	if i go, i'm going (and i will stay if you dare)

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! it's a been a while since i posted a fic, and i'm glad i'm finally done with this one. it took some time to finish. not because of the length, because it's really not too long, but because life got in the way, and it actually ended up being very personal. this is inspired by a lot of things - a favorite movie, a favorite song. so i hope you like it as much as i liked writing it.
> 
> also, happy birthday jeongyeon! hope i'm not too late
> 
> EDIT: there's a playlist for this fic now!! follow me @ot9lights for the link hehe

jeongyeon likes patterns.

likes seeing what makes things similar and what sets them apart, and how they all fall into place anyway. she used to love answering those workbooks when she was younger, where you had to figure out what comes next or which image didn't belong. it made her sharper, more logical.

she figures that that's partly why she likes music so much. because music, when it all comes down to it, is just a set of familiar patterns arranged in different ways. the same chords in different progressions. the same notes in different melodies.

and, yeah - jeongyeon likes patterns. she sees them before anyone ever cares to notice.

so she shouldn't have been surprised when nayeon broke up with her after two years of being together.

(but she was.)

she should have seen it coming.

(but she didn't.)

  
\---

they were electric. 

jeongyeon doesn't have any other word for it. it made sense, that she met nayeon when she did. like the universe played a hand in getting them together. but jeongyeon can't afford to get lost in shadows of the past - at least, no more than she already is. 

it's been a year after all.

jeongyeon looks over at the passenger's seat, where nayeon is snoring softly. this is a mistake, and it rings loudly in her head, but they're here now. jeongyeon may have been the one who asked, but nayeon could have said no.

("go out of town with me," jeongyeon says simply. maybe she says it to the empty bottles of alcohol in front of her, or to that one kid who's passed out in the corner. "like, tomorrow."

but nayeon knows it's for her, and she snorts from where she's seated beside jeongyeon. the leather couch sticks uncomfortably to her skin, and the party is dwindling down, but the air is humid and it smells like a toxic mix of alcohol and sweat.

really - was there ever a chance that this night could end any other way?

"other exes don't normally go on vacation together." nayeon drinks the cocktail in her hand. she doesn't look drunk. but her words slip out one after the other slower than they usually would. jeongyeon thinks that means something.

jeongyeon shrugs. "we're not like other exes."

nayeon leans back - shakes her head and smiles. it's about time they're honest with each other.

"okay."

college parties are nothing if not messy.)

\---

jeongyeon has a couple of rules for herself, so that she can survive this trip. admittedly, she didn't make them. she'd heard them a long time ago, from one of her professors.

the rules of logic, of finding patterns, are simple enough. jeongyeon has lived her life by these principles ever since she found out that they work for pretty much everything. mostly with exams, but then relationships aren't too different, are they?

("it's the way you make sense of things that makes a difference," her professor had said.)

jeongyeon has faith in them. she prays they don't fail her now.

  


_ rule 1. count. whatever you can, as much as you can. _

it's been two hours, and around forty minutes. eighty-one miles down. eighty-eight more to go.

nayeon stirs from her sleep. blinks sleepily at jeongyeon, and stretches her arms in the limited space. "are we there yet?"

"we've still got a few hours left. maybe a little over three," jeongyeon tells her. "you can go back to sleep if you’d like."

"no, it's okay." nayeon glances at jeongyeon, and she looks a little worried, if anything. jeongyeon can't remember the last time nayeon looked at her like that. "you wanna switch?"

jeongyeon hums. "i'm good."

nayeon shrugs. fiddles with the radio instead. she changes the station - once, twice, thrice, and huffs in frustration when they’re all just late night talks with the dj. 

"do you mind if i use your aux cord?" nayeon asks, even as she's already setting up her phone. jeongyeon rolls her eyes and waves a hand dismissively.

it takes two minutes, but eventually music blares through the speakers. nayeon looks out the window, and sings along quietly. 

nayeon is breathtaking. she always is, but the irrevocable truth in that statement feels like a punch to the gut right now. jeongyeon thinks maybe the city lights were meant for this moment, and this moment only, for them to shine on nayeon's face and keep her aglow. 

something constricts in jeongyeon’s chest - it’s been a long time since she let herself look at nayeon like this. she lost that right after that one night, one year ago - on a nondescript bench in their university. 

the streetlights there were dimmer, compared to the ones they pass by now. that was good, back then - it hid their tears well.

jeongyeon lost many things that night. she can still feel the spaces where they used to fit, can feel an ache weighing down on her, like the sins of her past coming to haunt her. maybe one day she'll stop blaming herself, and she can let them go.

jeongyeon glances at nayeon again -

for now, she'll forgive herself for looking.

it takes seven songs, but it happens nevertheless - the opening riff makes jeongyeon freeze, just for a split second. she hopes it wasn’t long enough for nayeon to see it. 

but nayeon notices - nayeon always notices.

“you don’t like this song?” nayeon asks. there’s a smirk on her face that ticks jeongyeon off, gets under her skin. “thought it would have been right up your hipster alley.”

“i did like it,” jeongyeon says. she would have preferred not to elaborate on it, but nayeon never makes it easy for her.

“then why’d you flinch?” nayeon pokes her shoulder, and jeongyeon clicks her tongue in annoyance. “c’mon, jeongie, you can’t hide things from me. i know you too well.”

jeongyeon’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. she breathes in - counts to ten. nayeon waits, eyes boring into the side of jeongyeon’s head. 

"six months." jeongyeon swallows hard, pushing down the tide rising in her throat. "six months after we got together. at jihyo's place, out on the balcony. you kissed me while chaeyoung was playing this song in the background, and it’s not a big deal, not really. it wasn’t even the first time we kissed.”

there's a pause. nayeon looks like she's been caught off guard, which rarely ever happens. jeongyeon doesn't know if it's a good thing that it happened now.

“why’d you remember it then?” nayeon asks, uncharacteristically quiet. “if it wasn’t a big deal?”

“i don’t know.” jeongyeon passes another exit sign - wonders if they’re going the right way. “does it matter?”

“maybe not.” nayeon chuckles softly. "it's either that or you're lying."

"you really think that highly of yourself?"

"no, i'm just really telling the truth." nayeon looks out of the window once more. jeongyeon can see a glimpse of her reflection in the side-view mirror, though she can’t look for very long. she thinks nayeon’s smile seems a little sad, especially when the older girl says, in a voice that sounds too far away, “we both know that we only ever remember the things that count.”

the song fades out. naturally, another one starts to fade in right after. _ eight _, jeongyeon thinks to herself, and she wonders how many more would play before they reach wherever it is that they’re going. or before she loses track. whichever comes first.

three hours, five minutes. ninety miles down. seventy-nine more to go.

they’re headed somewhere. jeongyeon thinks that’s what matters.

  


_ rule 2. go in one direction, unless it is clear that you have to go back. _

"jeong," nayeon calls out. she's the one driving now, after successfully convincing jeongyeon that she shouldn't be an idiot and she should get some sleep. "we're close, i think. maybe 20 minutes."

"oh." jeongyeon yawns, shaking off the sleep from her body. "okay."

"jeong?"

"hm?"

"why'd you ask me to go on a trip to a beach that's on the other side of the country?" nayeon laughs - and it’s a little burst of awkward energy that seemed to have escaped before she could think about it. "it's too late to ask probably, but-" nayeon shrugs helplessly.

there’s an answer to this question that jeongyeon knows by heart. something to do with forgiveness and growing up and not wanting to leave college with any unburied hatchets. 

but jeongyeon isn’t ready for that conversation for a variety of reasons. mostly because it's 1 in the morning and she can't process her feelings for shit.

so she says the answer she rehearsed in the mirror a few hours ago, while she and nayeon were in their respective dorm rooms packing for a trip they never even planned.

“there’s a music festival there,” jeongyeon says. she doesn’t look at nayeon. fishes her phone out of her bag instead. “with an open mic and everything. figured it’s something you might like.”

“are you performing?” nayeon asks. “i haven’t been to one of your gigs in a while.”

“we’ll see.” jeongyeon scrolls through her feed, grinning when she sees a dumb picture of chaeyoung and dahyun at the amusement park. "it's a little weird without the rest of the band."

"why didn't you ask them to come then?"

"i did, but chaeng said she was going somewhere with tzuyu and her family, and dahyun still has that recital."

“oh, that’s too bad. i miss hanging out with those guys.” nayeon wags her eyebrows playfully at jeongyeon. “looks like you’re gonna have to go solo for now, huh?”

“shut up," jeongyeon says, more bark than bite, and nayeon grins.

“okay, for real though,” nayeon says. “do you plan to keep making music even after we graduate?”

that’s a tricky question. there’s a reason jeongyeon doesn’t like thinking about it. she’s never liked disappointing herself, for one.

“i want to,” and that’s as honest as jeongyeon can get. “but I don’t think it’s a matter of want, really.”

nayeon gets it, mostly. “your parents still onto you about law school?”

“pretty much. at this point i’ve made myself okay with it.” jeongyeon thinks of the proud look on her parents’ faces, and well - it can’t be that bad if it makes people that happy. “we all have to move on and move forward, i guess.”

it’s a concept she’s learned several times, in several ways. life is merely a series of irreversible reactions that could only ever add to the chaos of the universe. it's the second law of thermodynamics. jeongyeon couldn't resist it even if she tried, because it's just chemistry, just physics. nothing personal. 

jeongyeon sees it in everything, at this point. like her inexplicably difficult relationship with the girl next to her. 

she's made her peace with it. sort of. 

jeongyeon sees it in this too: in a few weeks, she will graduate. so will nayeon. it’s inevitable. even if she doesn't know what's going to happen after, jeongyeon knows she can't afford to get left behind. 

and if she has to let go of a few dreams for it, then - does she have a choice?

getting stuck is never a good thing. going back is even worse.

(in hindsight, she should have kept that in mind before going on a road trip with her ex.)

“you can always be a singing lawyer.” nayeon’s voice breaks jeongyeon out of her thoughts. her tone is light, but there’s a steely look in her eyes, and jeongyeon knows she means it. “you can read over all the contracts so that you don’t get into any shady deals. would cut down on your band expenses, you know?”

it’s crazy, that nayeon still believes she has a shot. that nayeon believes, more than anyone else. it’s crazy, and it hurts jeongyeon more than it should. 

jeongyeon doesn’t know what to say to that. not without sounding bitter, or petty. or both.

“we’ll see,” jeongyeon repeats instead. “anyway, i- nayeon?” jeongyeon blinks owlishly at the road ahead. “are you sure we’re going the right way?”

“why wouldn’t we be?” nayeon slows the car down to a halt. “that’s funny, the entrance to the resort should be here somewhere.”

jeongyeon closes her eyes, and massages her temples. the fact that this doesn’t surprise her is a testament to how long she’s known nayeon, and how well she knows nayeon.

“oh wait,” nayeon says, peering at the map on her phone. she looks up at an exasperated jeongyeon and grins sheepishly. “okay, yeah i definitely took a wrong turn somewhere there.” nayeon points to a corner on the map, while jeongyeon rethinks her life choices. 

“can we just go back to where we were,” jeongyeon sighs. “please.”

nayeon stares at her for a second, before breaking out into an all too cheesy smile. "aw, jeongie, i didn't know you still felt that way."

jeongyeon glares at nayeon, understandably. nayeon throws her hands up in mock surrender even as she laughs loudly. jeongyeon loses herself a little in the way nayeon looks at her, years of mischief and inside jokes wrapped up in a grin that is absolutely up to no good, and jeongyeon remembers a little too much - before she decides to hold herself back.

she can't let herself fall for it. nayeon moved on a long time ago. which means it's definitely not nayeon’s fault that jeongyeon is having a hard time catching up.

she'll find her way, sooner or later.

because getting stuck is never a good thing. going back is even worse.

but getting lost? 

jeongyeon has yet to figure that one out.

  


_ rule 3. get into the details. _

jeongyeon can recognize that look on nayeon's face anywhere. she'd spent far too many nights staring at it for her to forget.

it doesn't matter how dimly lit this bar may be. or that they're both a little drunk (again), after nayeon had suggested a nightcap as soon as they got to the beach resort. 

it doesn’t even matter that it’s been thirteen months and fourteen days since she had last seen it. since she had last spent time with nayeon like this, just the two of them. 

because details matter, and there’s a pattern in there somewhere. in the light flickering in nayeon’s eyes. in the quirk of her brow and the coy smile snaking its way across her face.

“if that’s a meme and you’re not sharing it, i swear-” jeongyeon says in what she thinks is an attempt to be threatening, and nayeon looks up from her phone. rolls her eyes a little. 

“it’s not a meme, you idiot." nayeon turns the phone screen to her, and jeongyeon sees a picture of momo lounging by the pool with sana. "momo must have sent it while we were on the road. she said we should invite her next time."

well, there it is.

"you've been getting close lately," jeongyeon says nonchalantly, even if she feels anything but. 

nayeon purses her lips into a thin line. "what's that supposed to mean?"

"nothing!" jeongyeon says, a little too loudly. sue her for being defensive. "just that friends don't usually go to their friend's hometown and spend a week with just them and their family."

that certainly gets nayeon's attention. she puts her phone down on the table, and fixes jeongyeon with a stare that makes her feel just a tad intimidated.

"who are you to say," nayeon starts, her voice even, "what friends can and can't do?"

here's the truth: jeongyeon is only good at reading nayeon because nayeon's never been good at hiding how she feels.

there's this thing that nayeon does, where her mouth says one thing and the rest of her says another. there's an offhandedness in the way she talked just now, like it was just some sort of jab that jeongyeon is supposed to laugh at. 

but nayeon's shoulders are tense, like she's physically squaring up for a fight, and it's ridiculous. because if they were going to fight, jeongyeon knows she'd lose.

jeongyeon knows, because she already lost to nayeon a long time ago.

"stop deflecting," jeongyeon says. because this is how they work, and they’ve never pulled punches with each other. "it's not a cute look on you."

"i'm not though."

"you're not answering me either."

"i can't answer a question you didn't ask."

it's the proverbial gauntlet, right on the ground for jeongyeon to take. on most days, she'd leave it alone. but there must be something in the drinks here. like the fact that it's alcoholic. and there's something about nayeon and the way she's sitting there, almost screaming _ fight me! _ if she could, that makes jeongyeon feel all kinds of reckless, so-

"do you like momo?"

"maybe," nayeon says almost immediately. and then admits, quietly, "yeah, kind of."

it's everything jeongyeon was expecting to hear, and everything she didn't want to. but it's the first time nayeon has been this open with her in awhile, and this is better than nothing, so - of course, jeongyeon keeps going. "are you gonna do anything about it?"

"not really." nayeon shrugs, taking a swig of her beer. "it's not that serious anyway."

jeongyeon raises an eyebrow. it's not like nayeon to run away from these kinds of things. "but she could like you back."

"she could," nayeon says. there's a look that tells jeongyeon there's more to this nayeon is letting on, but she lets it be for now. "but it's still not worth it."

"you can't just say that, though.”

"i can. i really can." nayeon pauses for all of two seconds before she decides that what she's about to say deserves to be heard. "you should know that better than anyone."

it feels like a slap to the face. or something much worse, because nayeon's words have always held a certain weight to them that jeongyeon could never ignore. "nayeon-"

nayeon doesn't let her finish. "i've already lost a best friend because of these fucking feelings, which i've never been good at to begin with." nayeon's grip around the bottle tightens, and jeongyeon is surprised it doesn't break. but then, at least one of them is holding up. "i'm not losing another one."

jeongyeon doesn’t react to that. _ can’t _ react to that. because jeongyeon lost many things that one night when it all went wrong, sure, but she never thought about nayeon losing things too. maybe they’ve both been selfish that way.

jeongyeon closes her eyes, and feels the heaviness settle in her bones.

when she opens her eyes, nayeon is still there, looking at her in a way that jeongyeon couldn’t decipher. it’s the first time she truly can’t see through nayeon, and it scares her for a moment. she wonders if nayeon has the same questions running through her head, if nayeon feels what she feels. 

because for the first time since they broke up, jeongyeon feels like they both walked away with more scars than they were willing to admit. regret is a bullet that has lodged itself a little too close to her heart, and the only reason she survived is out of sheer luck and a will to live that's barely even there in the first place.

right now, more than ever, jeongyeon feels the lead in her chest, and wonders if she can make it through the second time around.

jeongyeon stands up, and nayeon follows the movement with questions written in her eyes. “are you sleepy yet?”

“not anymore,” nayeon says, and there's a wry smile on the corner of her lips.

“wanna go for a walk?”

  
\---

the music festival seems to be going strong, even though it’s probably a little closer to 3 am at this point. as they walk along the beach, jeongyeon can hear the cheers of a crowd that’s not too far away. there’s a band playing a song way too fast, but they all seem to love it. 

nayeon doesn’t seem to hear any of it though. she stares out into the water, hair tousled in the wind, and somehow jeongyeon still can’t look at anyone else but her.

there are a lot of things she wants to say. because it doesn't matter, apparently, whether it's been a week or a month or a year after everything that went down between them. nayeon says something and suddenly jeongyeon loses her gravity, and she's stuck in a strange sort of limbo where nothing is ever up or down, right or wrong.

maybe that's why she says it.

"you didn't lose me." 

nayeon looks at jeongyeon. “what?”

“when you said you lost your best friend because of your feelings.” the words claw their way out of jeongyeon’s mouth, and there’s no turning back now. “you didn’t. you could never lose me.”

nayeon looks at her so intently that jeongyeon feels naked. there's so much left between both of them that jeongyeon doesn't even know where to begin, but this is probably as good a place as any. she's not one to complain, if she has nayeon in front of her staring at her like there's a promise in jeongyeon's eyes. 

jeongyeon wouldn't be surprised if there was. if she's given nayeon something else to hold onto. it wouldn't be the first time, she supposes.

nayeon turns her gaze away, after a while. she wipes a stray tear, but then another one falls and it looks a lot like a wall that’s crashing down. and if jeongyeon had any inhibitions left, they wouldn’t have been there for much longer - because jeongyeon has never known what to do with a drunk, crying nayeon other than to hold her.

there’s that old saying, about not being able to see the forest for the trees. jeongyeon has always seen it as a sort of warning, but she falls into that trap every single time anyway. because jeongyeon can only hear nayeon breaking against her chest, can only feel nayeon clutching on to her shirt. jeongyeon kisses the side of nayeon’s head, and pulls her in a little closer.

and maybe jeongyeon forgets about what this could mean for them when this trip is over, or when college is over, or if it even means anything at all. but the big picture doesn’t seem too important now when the ink is smudged in the wake of nayeon’s tears.

it’s deliberate - the way jeongyeon still lets go of everything that isn’t nayeon. 

  


_ rule 4. never invent patterns. (1, 2, 3 is inescapable.) _

for the record: jeongyeon didn't plan this.

they just so happen to run into one of her acquaintances, one of the many people she had met in the music scene. he's part of the team that produced the music festival, which means he's also one of the stage managers.

and of course, _ of course _, there's still one slot left in the open mic.

"jeongyeon can do it!" nayeon says, enthusiastic and disarmingly charismatic in the way that only she can be. "she has her guitar with her everywhere she goes, she can definitely perform."

jeongyeon elbows nayeon hard, but god knows that the older girl has never been the kind of person to be deterred from something she wants. 

"is that right?" he asks, and jeongyeon can only nod politely. "then it's settled! you'll probably get one of the late sets, depending on what time the other bands get here, but i'll let you know, okay?"

he walks away, and nayeon jumps into jeongyeon's arms as soon he's out of earshot.

"you're fucking crazy, you know that?"

"wow," nayeon drawls. "no _ thank you, nayeon, for making my dreams come true _ ? or _ thank you, nayeon, for being such a great friend _?"

"thank you, nayeon, for being a pain in my ass," jeongyeon deadpans. nayeon is still pouting, and jeongyeon relents. obviously. "okay, fine. thank you nayeon. for real."

nayeon beams. jeongyeon feels a little bit of her heart melt away.

"you can thank me by dedicating one of your songs to me," nayeon says with a wink. which is stupid. not the wink, but the fact that nayeon has no idea that every single song jeongyeon sings is about her.

jeongyeon would feel pathetic, but she's sort of past that point.

nayeon starts to ramble about which songs jeongyeon should sing and _ jeong, your voice is gonna sound really good with this one _, and jeongyeon thinks this is okay for now.

  
\---

it turns out that jeongyeon's late set starts at around 2 am. it shouldn't surprise jeongyeon anymore that there are still this many people at this time, especially after seeing it firsthand the other night, but she still feels a little unnerved. 

but it does help that nayeon is at the very front, almost at the foot of the stage. nayeon grins and sends her a thumbs up, and jeongyeon just slips into that part of herself that she only shows when she's playing in front of other people.

"hi," jeongyeon says into the mic. "my name is jeongyeon, and i'm not used to being on my own up here." the crowd cheers for her in a show of support, and jeongyeon plays a few riffs. "but tonight feels like a good night to try."

jeongyeon strums the chords to her first song, and she keeps her eyes on nayeon.

for what it’s worth, nayeon doesn’t look away either. 

_ (we broke everything that was right, we both enjoyed a good fight) _

jeongyeon doesn't allow herself to be vulnerable most of the time. call it self-preservation, if you will. because this world doesn’t like people who seem to wear their hearts on their sleeves, doesn’t like the freedom that it gives them. so jeongyeon takes what she can and feels what she can and keeps the rest of it to herself.

jeongyeon has never allowed herself to be vulnerable, but singing requires nothing less than excruciating vulnerability. performing demands that you strip yourself bare, lay your heart out for your audience to look it over and do as they please.

and for a while, jeongyeon couldn't remember how. 

_ (and i loved the way you looked at me, and i miss the way you made me feel) _

mostly because she couldn’t remember anything other than the rise and fall of nayeon’s breath as she slept in jeongyeon’s bed, the way nayeon slipped her fingers into the empty crevices of jeongyeon's many, many shadows and made them more bearable.

jeongyeon sees that moment in sharp color, even now - the way nayeon’s heart cracked open one day and how she stood there and braced herself for the onslaught. and maybe, when nayeon left, jeongyeon didn’t have anything else to give that nayeon hadn’t already taken.

_ (and i’ll shiver like i used to, just for you) _

jeongyeon can hear, can feel the exact moment when her voice quivers. she opens her eyes for a second, and finds nayeon’s almost immediately, and she’s transfixed. 

jeongyeon feels like a fraud, sometimes. because she knows that everything she’s showing on stage is merely a ruined vestige of everything she’s ever felt. because she’s never learned how to feel those things for anyone else, and at this point she doesn’t know if she still can.

it’s resignation, more than anything really. it’s knowing that nayeon will always have her, even if it doesn’t work the other way around. 

_ (if we turn back time, could we learn to live right) _

maybe they were too different, jeongyeon thinks to herself. because jeongyeon has this habit, where she tries to come up with all the possible reasons for nayeon breaking up with her. she always comes up a little short, but she always finds a different reason the next day, so she thinks it’s good enough for her to keep going.

she finds it easier than coming up with all the ways they could have made it work - because then it just makes her think of all the reasons why it wouldn’t have anyway. that’s a little too masochistic, even for jeongyeon.

time, however, is a cruel and effective tutor. jeongyeon knows that now, standing in front of a large crowd, seeing nayeon see through her. because there’s no way that nayeon can’t tell, not when the song is ending and jeongyeon is breaking in front of her like this, a year after she's allowed to. it's a brutal reminder of everything she's yet to get rid of, and everything that she can't.

but then - nayeon smiles. the lights are bright from where jeongyeon is standing, but there’s no mistaking nayeon’s smile for anything else. and jeongyeon lets herself hope, just for a moment.

in all the hours and all the days they’ve spent together on this trip - this is jeongyeon's first mistake.

  
\---

the walk back to their shared room is silent. that wasn't a bad thing, in jeongyeon's opinion, because it's also the most comfortable they've ever been in the past few days. months, even.

and if their hands brush against each other's occasionally, well - jeongyeon doesn't want to talk about that.

jeongyeon heads to the mini balcony as soon as they get to the room, because she's still on some sort of performance high and she needs to cool off or she'd never fall asleep. nayeon grabs two cold beers from the cooler and follows jeongyeon wordlessly. nayeon hands one to jeongyeon, and they sit there for a while just watching everything but each other. 

jeongyeon thinks that must be a metaphor for something. but they'll never talk about that either.

then again - who knows if maybe tonight is different? a break from their norm which is highly welcome, considering everything. because jeongyeon can feel the moment when nayeon turns to look at her, with soft eyes and a crooked smile, and jeongyeon can't stand it.

"okay, what is it?" 

nayeon laughs. "what do you mean what is it?"

"you're looking at me funny, and i don't get why, so tell me."

"it's nothing.” nayeon chuckles to herself, and she sets the beer down next to her. "just - seeing you in that hoodie, playing the guitar - it's giving me very vivid flashbacks to the first day we met."

(we only ever remember the things that count)

jeongyeon hopes to god that nayeon doesn't hear her breath catch."it better be the good kind."

"don't worry," nayeon says, eyes twinkling in mirth. "they're the best kind."

jeongyeon thinks that she's going crazy. maybe because she realizes, without much warning, that she and nayeon are a lot closer than they were a minute ago, and maybe her thigh is touching nayeon's, and she's suddenly hyper aware of every single movement against her skin. it feels like fire licking against her ribcage, burning her from the inside out until the heat splashes itself across her cheeks. 

it’s painful - it’s exhilarating. because there's something about never knowing whether she wants to run away from nayeon or pull her closer, something about mutually assured destruction, something about hating someone so much that it almost feels like falling in love all over again.

jeongyeon is, quite evidently, a mess.

"it was really nice seeing you play again," nayeon tells her. probably because jeongyeon was taking way too long to get herself together. "i almost forgot how much I liked hearing you sing."

that almost feels like a confession. so jeongyeon gives one of her own, because she's always liked getting even. "to be honest, i almost forgot how much i liked singing."

"i thought you guys still went on gigs?"

"we stopped for a few months." jeongyeon says, before adding, "things got busy."

it's a flimsy excuse, but nayeon thankfully leaves it at that.

instead, nayeon grins, all bunny teeth and misplaced optimism. "guess this trip wasn't such a bad idea after all."

jeongyeon allows herself to revel in it though. just this once. "yeah, well, the company's pretty great."

nayeon laughs again, carefree and genuine. it sort of reminds jeongyeon of that first summer shower after a heat wave, and she just wants to soak it all in. "i've missed this," nayeon says without thinking. she realizes her words too late, but there's no use hiding them away anymore. "i miss you sometimes."

and this is jeongyeon's second mistake. she watches it unfold like an out-of-body experience, and it reminds her of a car crash in slow motion. or that feeling you get when you're watching a movie and someone tells you that the main character is going to die, so you sit there feeling trapped, heartbreak so potent you can feel it in your fingertips. because it shouldn't happen like this -

"i miss you all the time."

nayeon's head whips towards jeongyeon so fast that jeongyeon is scared she might have gotten whiplash. but she refuses to look at nayeon, even then.

"it sucks, huh? i don't get it either," jeongyeon says. she feels an unexplainable urge to keep talking, so she does. she thinks this conversation might be long overdue anyway. "i figured a year would be enough to get over you, but it's not. whenever i look at you i still want you. i still think about everything i could have fixed, and everything we could have had that you decided you didn't want anymore."

jeongyeon can see nayeon look up, the way she always does when she's about to cry. maybe she does it to keep the tears from falling. maybe she does it so that she doesn't have to look at jeongyeon anymore. 

jeongyeon shakes her head and laughs to herself, even if she feels like the worst punchline to ever exist. "the worst part? even until now, even after you left, all i want is to follow you." nayeon turns her gaze to jeongyeon again, and jeongyeon exhales shakily. "all i want is to love you."

jeongyeon finally looks at nayeon. sees the way nayeon's eyes fall, just for a second, the way they're caught on jeongyeon's lips and everything in between. 

and jeongyeon is really only human. because when nayeon pushes, jeongyeon caves in, and sometimes jeongyeon pushes back far too soon and loses her grip on whatever tethers her to the ground.

and again, just for the sake of emphasis: jeongyeon is so ordinarily human. and that means being flawed, unequivocally so - which is why jeongyeon makes her third and final mistake.

when nayeon leans in, jeongyeon closes whatever is left between them. there’s a cacophony of warning bells in jeongyeon’s head, the way she’d imagine the world to be if it were thrown into an apocalypse that was almost predestined. like nero playing the fiddle while rome burned, as they say - an inconsequential sound lost in the chaos of a citadel in flames. 

there's a reason why people are warned about relapses. how they're worse than the first time, how they coil themselves around your lungs until you can't breathe. because when nayeon threads her fingers into jeongyeon's hair, jeongyeon doesn't know how she lasted for a year without this, without her.

nayeon makes this sound, low and breathy like a prayer that slips right through jeongyeon's hands, but she breathes in as much of it as she can. jeongyeon takes nayeon's lip between her teeth, and nayeon sighs against her. it resonates in jeongyeon's chest, and she almost falls apart. almost.

everything stills for a moment.

in another universe, jeongyeon kisses nayeon and nayeon tells her how much she loves her. jeongyeon forgives nayeon for whatever she still holds against her, and she doesn't trust her completely, at least not yet - but maybe they sleep together, and they try again the next day.

_ this _ universe, however, is far from ideal, and that shouldn't be a surprise, really. everything in this universe has a pattern, and jeongyeon has figured out nayeon's a long time ago.

(one)

nayeon pulls her closer. takes jeongyeon right into her hands and keeps her there. it's how nayeon says her apologies, and it's jeongyeon's first clue that she should never have hoped in the first place.

(two)

nayeon pulls away. slowly. some people leave like they're ripping off band aids - harsh and quick and cruel - but nayeon leaves like she's putting them on. never missing a spot, always keeping it as painless as possible, even though the sting is a necessary part of the aftermath. 

(three)

"jeong," nayeon whispers, her forehead against jeongyeon's. "i don't think we should do this."

of course. jeongyeon knows that. knows it so well that she might as well have it tattooed on her skin, but she supposes that it's different when it comes to nayeon, as all things are. 

"yeah." jeongyeon moves back. pushes herself up from the terrace. "you're right. i'm- i'm gonna go."

nayeon instinctively reaches out, but jeongyeon reels back, and she knows that hits nayeon harder than anything else - can see the hurt flash in her eyes like a bolt of lightning across dark skies. "jeongyeon-"

"i'm gonna go," jeongyeon says, with a hint of finality that shuts nayeon up. her words seem to hang in the air around them, and nayeon looks smaller than jeongyeon has ever seen her. 

jeongyeon would reach out on any other day. but today, she clenches her jaw and walks away. 

maybe she should have done that a long time ago.

  


_ rule 5. if your logic doesn't work, don't force it. try another way of looking at things. _

jeongyeon sleeps in her car that night. 

in fact, jeongyeon doesn't come back to their room even after the sun has risen and she's sure that nayeon has fallen asleep. 

instead, she drives.

just around town. because jeongyeon is many things, but she's not an asshole, and she's not going to leave nayeon in an unfamiliar town, miles away from the city, all alone. 

but she is a tourist here, so she decides to live up to that. goes around all the famous spots on her own, and takes a few photos, because this place is beautiful on its own without jeongyeon's mistakes marring the image of it in her head.

honestly? jeongyeon only went here to fix whatever she had with nayeon. to let go of whatever was holding them back, and to start anew. whatever that means, at least. either way, it's clearly not working.

in the end, jeongyeon makes a call.

"unnie!" chaeyoung answers the phone brightly. "what's up?"

"chaeng," jeongyeon breathes. "chaeng, i fucked up."

that seems to sober chaeyoung up. "wait, hold on a sec." jeongyeon hears some shuffling, and then a door closing, and it sounds like chaeyoung has moved to a different room. "are you okay? what happened?"

jeongyeon screws her eyes shut, and pinches the bridge of her nose. "i kissed nayeon."

there's a pause. jeongyeon doesn't hear anything for a while, and she wonders if chaeyoung hung up on her. but then she hears it - it's soft at first, like some sort of static buzz, but then it gets louder.

jeongyeon furrows her eyebrows when she realizes what she's hearing. "are you- are you laughing? c'mon man, this isn't funny."

chaeyoung, for the life of her, does not know how to quit it. she roars in laughter, and jeongyeon bangs her head against the steering wheel, because she needs better friends.

"no, it's just-" chaeyoung says, and jeongyeon can almost see her wiping away a tear, still failing spectacularly at stopping herself from cracking up. "it's you and nayeon unnie. at a music festival god knows where, by the beach. what did you expect?"

"i don't know," jeongyeon retorts, clearly exasperated. "not this."

chaeyoung sighs, albeit fondly, and jeongyeon feels chastised for some reason. because chaeyoung is younger (and smaller), but she's always been able to see things with a clear head. has always been unafraid to say things that other people aren't willing to say.

"look, you and nayeon unnie weren't perfect. you fought like, every other day about the most insignificant things, and you pushed each other's buttons more than you probably should have. but you loved each other so much. i don't know if that was enough, but you really did."

jeongyeon looks out of her car window. she's parked near a cliff diving spot, because the height gives her a new point of view somehow. and it's pretentious, and kind of annoying, but it works, so she sticks with it. god knows she needs all the perspective she can get anyway.

"i don't know what to do anymore," jeongyeon tells chaeyoung. "i never seem to do the right thing when it comes to her."

"talk to her," chaeyoung replies, like it was the easiest thing. "knowing both of you, you're avoiding each other like the plague, but nayeon unnie's probably dying to talk to you. i know you are, too."

jeongyeon chuckles, because chaeyoung is right. but not about everything. "i don't think she still cares about me like that, chae."

"maybe not in the way you still want." chaeyoung is being gentle now. jeongyeon would be peeved if she felt like it was done out of pity, but it's chaeyoung, and she could never stay angry with her. "you're always gonna be special to her, unnie. you have to know that."

"since when did you get so smart about these things, huh?" jeongyeon jokes, and it's enough to lighten the mood even just a bit. chaeyoung laughs again, and the sound is less obnoxious to jeongyeon now that it's not at her expense.

in the background, jeongyeon hears someone say _ babe _ that sounds uncannily like tzuyu. _ best friends my ass _, jeongyeon thinks. 

"unnie," chaeyoung says with a soft laugh. "you're not the only one who's fallen in love."

when chaeyoung hangs up, after making many promises that she'll explain everything when she gets back - jeongyeon drives back to the resort.

mostly because she's tired of having to avoid everything. she'd already done that for the better part of this past year, before she decided that having nayeon around was more bearable than not having nayeon at all. they both hurt, but jeongyeon had already chosen her demons. 

but then they were forced to toe the line between what they were before and whatever they are now, and jeongyeon is getting tired of that too. she wonders if maybe this was the only possible consequence of all the wrongs they've done, or if it's even worth it.

jeongyeon doesn't know the answer to that. doesn't know the answer to a lot of things. 

all jeongyeon does know, as she pulls up to the resort and sees nayeon, waiting right by the door of their room - is that she can't keep running just to stay in one place.

“hi,” jeongyeon says, as she walks up to the only girl she had ever thought to make rules for. she'd never needed them with anyone else - and no one else ever seemed to want to break them as much as nayeon did. “we should probably talk.”

nayeon nods, and jeongyeon feels the universe shift under their feet. 

  


_ rule 6. dwell on the similarities, and let the differences be. _

“i’m sorry.”

jeongyeon shakes her head. “about last night? don’t worry about it. if anything, i should be the one apologizing.”

nayeon leans forward, and dips her foot into the water. the water is cold, and nayeon shivers, but she stays where she is. “not about last night. about a lot of things.”

jeongyeon stiffens. “nayeon-”

“a year and a half into the relationship, you asked me whether i’d ever consider moving in with you after college," nayeon cuts in. this story is all too familiar, and jeongyeon isn't particularly fond of it. or at least, isn't fond of everything that followed. "i said yes, and you looked so happy. i was happy too, because i wanted that with you. more than anything. but then i thought, fuck, i’m 22 and i still couldn’t figure out what i wanted to do with my life.”

“so you broke up with me?" jeongyeon frowns. can feel the anger that she's come to know intimately over the past year thrum in her veins, the way it always does when the bad days drown out everything else. "nayeon, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“i was scared, okay?" nayeon trembles. she looks like she's walking a tightrope, and jeongyeon is the net - stretching herself out beyond reason, because this feels too important for her to do anything less. "we were making all these plans, and i was so, so scared that i couldn’t give you the future you wanted. that i’d wake up one day and i’d leave, because it’s what i do. or that you’d wake up and decide that i wasn’t worth staying for. and when we started fighting more often, i thought - this is it. this is how we fall apart.”

“no,” jeongyeon says. the word cuts through nayeon, cuts through her own skin, and she bleeds out the rest. "you giving up - _ that _ was how we fell apart."

nayeon's shoulders slump in quiet defeat, and jeongyeon almost feels guilty. nayeon turns around, and there's a weariness that shows in the wrinkle of her forehead, a fading light in her conceding glance, and jeongyeon doesn't know anyone who can still look so devastatingly beautiful even when they're breaking her heart.

“we were always gonna fall apart anyway." nayeon looks up. slips her hand around jeongyeon's wrist, and slides it until their palms are touching, fingers loosely intertwined. it's always been the little things for nayeon, jeongyeon knows. "because there was something i needed to fix. and i didn’t want to build a life with you with one foot out the door.”

“i would have chosen you anyway." jeongyeon kind of, really, hates how desperate she sounds. it doesn't matter that it's the truth. jeongyeon just wishes she was better at lying. "i would have chosen you every single day.”

“i know that. but you wouldn't have been happy, jeong." nayeon sighs, and squeezes her hand three times. "not for long.”

and jeongyeon knows that's true, too. it's there, in the back of her mind - only showing up when the room is dark and she lies under the covers wide awake - but lingering, nevertheless. 

still, jeongyeon is adamant. call it ego. or pride. or whatever had built up in the past year when she tried to think of all the ways she was better than nayeon, so that she could get over her. it was futile, of course, but the repercussions were more long-lasting than any of her actual attempts. "you shouldn't have made that decision for me."

"one of us had to," nayeon tells her. "or we wouldn't have made it without hating each other."

jeongyeon didn't know it, at first. doesn't like it, now that she knows it. but nayeon has grown up. in ways that jeongyeon herself couldn't even fathom - in ways that she could only hope to, right now, at this point in her life. because nayeon _ feels _ different - ways off from the nayeon that jeongyeon thought she knew, looking like she was starting to put the pieces of a puzzle together when jeongyeon hasn't even seen the cover of the box.

jeongyeon really does feel petty.

"i still did, though," jeongyeon admits, even if it doesn't sit right with her. "hate you. for a while."

"that's fair." nayeon tilts her head in acquiescence. she looks at jeongyeon curiously. "do you, still?"

jeongyeon doesn't have to think about that. not anymore, at least. 

"no. no, not really," jeongyeon says. she fiddles with the old necklace around her neck, one that she shouldn't wear anymore but keeps anyway. "i mean, it wasn't just you, you know? even if it took me a long time to realize that." jeongyeon looks at nayeon, and hopes nayeon sees her the way she always does. "so I’m sorry too.”

there's a ghost of a smile on nayeon's lips, and jeongyeon breathes a little easier. “for kissing me?”

“for asking too much, i guess. for blaming you, even when you didn't deserve it. for holding on long after you let go.” jeongyeon buries her toes in the sand, and lets the water wash over them. "not for kissing you, though."

nayeon laughs a little breathlessly. “think that makes us even?"

“not really." the waves crash against the shore, and jeongyeon doesn't find herself minding it even as it drenches the bottom half of her shirt. nayeon snorts at the sight, and jeongyeon chuckles, despite herself. "but it's a start.”

jeongyeon pulls her knees up to her chest, and wraps her arms around herself. nayeon leans against her. she rests her head on jeongyeon's shoulder, and jeongyeon lets nayeon step into her space once more.

"hey," jeongyeon says. "do you think i'll ever get tired?"

nayeon cranes her head to look at jeongyeon. "of what?" 

"of being in love with you." jeongyeon smiles, rueful and gentle, in the way she knows nayeon loves. and she can see it - the stutter in nayeon's breath as she stares, looking younger and hopeful and suddenly too much like the nayeon jeongyeon saw on another night, another moment, 2 years ago -

but nayeon shakes it off quickly. fits her head back into the crook of jeongyeon's neck, and looks straight ahead. because this night, this moment, is beautiful too. "maybe. i hope you do."

"really?" jeongyeon asks, because it never hurts to make sure. she leans back - catches her weight on the heels of her hands, and looks up instead. this is how she and nayeon have always been different. "is that what you want?"

"no. no, not really." it's an echo of what she had said earlier, jeongyeon knows. she shakes her head fondly, and nayeon carries on, unabated. because this is what ties them together, regardless. "i think it'll be better for you though. at least for now, right?"

"yeah," jeongyeon breathes. because it wasn't a question so much as it was an answer, and nayeon's the only one who ever made it make sense. jeongyeon feels that that wasn't going to change anytime soon. "for now."

  


_ rule 7. write it down, so you don't forget. _

and jeongyeon drives them home.

she has a hand on the steering wheel. the other one rests on the gear shift. there's a song playing again - one that jeongyeon has never heard before.

nayeon leans back, and the seat is inclined at an ungodly angle so she's almost lying down. _ this is why you have a bad back _, jeongyeon scolds her. and nayeon - with her sunglasses askew at the top of her head, hair falling in her face, flannel tied in a knot around her waist (jeongyeon vaguely recognizes this piece of clothing as hers, but then the lines have always been a bit blurry when it comes to nayeon) -

nayeon just rolls her eyes. watches the ocean blend seamlessly into the sky right outside her window. and rests her hand on top of jeongyeon's.

there's not much that can be said in this moment, jeongyeon realizes. there's a lot to be said about it, however. jeongyeon can almost hear it - the notes between the rests, the words hidden in between nayeon's tapping against the window and her thumb smoothing over the back of jeongyeon's hand.

it feels like music. feels like a new song that she'd play to hundreds of people in cramped bars or some other music festival. feels like nights spent hunched over her notebook, trying to remember the way nayeon looked at her when she said that she loved her.

loves her - even if it doesn't always work in the end.

("i love you too," jeongyeon says, drunk on her fifth mojito and on nayeon. "always will."

"sap," nayeon mumbles against her neck. pulls back for a moment, and kisses the corner of her mouth.)

maybe years from now, jeongyeon will barely remember the details. and it wouldn't matter, in the end, whether she's walking alone or walking home to someone else. 

because right now, jeongyeon glances over at nayeon - and nayeon is already smiling softly at her. and there's a pattern in there somewhere. in the light dancing in her eyes. in the curve of her lips and in the way her hand tightens around jeongyeon's ever so slightly.

there are patterns jeongyeon could never forget, and nayeon will always be one of them. 

  
  
\---

postscript.

(there was a moment, 2 years ago:

it's the night after nayeon's birthday, and the night after the surprise party that never happened. nayeon holds a party of her own, to make up for her the melted cake, she tells them.

that was enough for the seven other girls, if chaeyoung's constant wins at beer pong against jihyo were any indication. 

but jeongyeon sulks in a corner. and nayeon laughs, pulls her up and leads them to her porch, looping her arms around jeongyeon's neck.

"love," nayeon murmurs, running a hand through jeongyeon's hair. "i said i'm sorry."

jeongyeon huffs. "it wasn't just the cake you know. i really did want to surprise you."

"i know, baby." nayeon laughs. "i promise you can surprise me next year."

"then it wouldn't be a surprise anymore!" jeongyeon whines.

"of course it will be." nayeon chuckles. pulls jeongyeon closer, and leads them in a slow dance that isn't much more than them swaying in place. "you've never been predictable to me."

"really?" jeongyeon rests her lips against nayeon's temple. "is that a bad thing?"

"no, I don't think so." nayeon leans her head against jeongyeon's chest. "i like not knowing everything. where we're gonna be tomorrow, or the next week, or the next year."

"that's kind of scary."

"it is." nayeon presses a kiss to jeongyeon's jaw. "but i know i'd still want all of it if you're there."

and this part is too easy, really. because jeongyeon wants all of it too.)

  


**Author's Note:**

> so that was a lot of fun! i hope you get some of the references in here. like nayeon remembering jeongyeon in a hoodie, or the girls trying to surprise nayeon only to find out she already went home. and either way, i hope it was okay for you guys
> 
> also!! the song that jeongyeon sings is shiver by lucy rose
> 
> title of the fic is taken from if i go, i'm goin by gregory alan isakov. 
> 
> and ofc, comments are always highly appreciated


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